Karis, I need you.

Normally I pick up Karis because she needs me, but this time I NEEDED her.

I nursed Karis at 8pm and put her down to sleep. At 4 am I woke up feeling like there was an anvil on my chest. I jumped out of bed and wanted to run down the hall yelling, "Karis! Time to eat!"  I quietly crept into her room. Thank goodness she was awake. My sweet little girl was lying in her bassinet, eyes wide open and squirming out of her swaddle.

Aprils Pros and Cons to Breastfeeding:
Cons
- It was painful at first (but better now).

- I worry about leaking in public.
- None of my tops fit anymore.
- I can't eat whatever I want.
- Sometimes I'm the only one who can soothe Karis.

Pros
- Sometimes I'm the only one who can soothe Karis.
- Even though I'm not earning money right now, I'm saving our family a lot by not buying formula.
- Less bottle washing.

- For several hours each day, I get Karis (happy and quiet) all to my self.

Missing Identity

School is starting up soon, and I should be attending trainings and getting my students' folders ready. Instead, I'm staring at a crying, hungry baby, thinking, "Who am I?"

I spent four years studying to teach children with hearing impairments. Then, I spent four years doing my dream job. Just when I had a good handle on my career, and people treated me like an expert in my field, my life took a 180.  Now, I have a new job: raising a child, and I don't know what I'm doing.  I haven't trained for this.  I feel like I am standing outside of my body, staring at myself but looking at a stranger.  I really feel lost.  When will I get used to my new role?  Right now, I still feel like my identity is a teacher.  How often have I proudly told people that I teach Deaf children?  Their response, "You know Sign Language?!"  "Yes, I do!"

One day, Michael took Karis to work with him in the morning to give me a break.  I really needed to catch up on some sleep.  However, once Karis was out of the house, I felt purposeless.  Then, I turned on the radio and heard this song.  Even though it made me cry, I felt better because I felt understood...

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Parenthood is Easy

Karis finally fell asleep and I was going to get to take a shower for the first time in days.  As I stepped one foot into the shower, what did I hear?  "Waah!  Waah!"  Karis was fine; she just wanted to be held.  I was SO annoyed.  The second I scooped her up she was silenced.  I held her close to my chest and rocked her for about 3 minutes before she was out again.  It honestly felt really good.  As soon as my baby knew that Mommy had her, she was ok.  She felt safe and secure.  I could have put her back in bed and continued what I was doing.  Instead, I sat on the couch holding my perfect sleeping baby.  I looked at her and thought, "This is when parenthood is easy."

Happy Birthday Karis

I've been wanting to write up Karis's birthday story ever since she was born.  I thought, "I need to hurry and do this before I forget it all."  Trust me; I still remember every detail of those traumatic few days...

On Friday morning (July 15th), around 10:30, I was sitting on the couch being my usual lazy self, watching trashy MTV shows.  I ignored what I thought was "Braxton Hicks Contractions," because I've had them for the past 3 months.  But when I had 3 in one hour, I thought something might be up.  I started timing them.  The contractions were inconsistent and 20 minutes or less apart.  I texted Michael, just to let him know, but I thought for sure they'd space out and we'd meet Karis in a couple more weeks as planned. 

It was so hot outside, and I really wanted to go for a walk.  So, I went to Wal-Mart.  I walked around for about an hour, gripping the shopping cart as my contractions became closer and more intense. 

When I returned home, I decided to time the contractions again.  Now they were a consistent 5-10 minutes apart.  I was still in denial that this was the real deal.  When Michael got home from work we made dinner plans (we had a groupon that was about to expire).  Then, we packed up the car just in case we had to go to the hospital.  During dinner and dessert, my contractions continued to be regular, but I could still walk and talk during them.  We decided to head on home and get some rest.  I probably slept an hour that night.  The contractions got more and more intense.  I kept waking Michael up, "I need you."  He coached me through each one.  Finally, they got so bad that I was crying, couldn't walk, couldn't talk, and I definitely couldn't focus well enough to do the breathing techniques we'd practiced.  I kept asking, "Do we need to go?"  Finally at 4:30 in the morning, Michael very decisively said, "Let's go."  On the ride there, Michael made a few phone calls, and I had to cut some of his calls short.

We arrived at the hospital and had to go through all these dumb procedures.  I was mad, and told the nurse, "I already took care of registration. I was told we'd only have to fill out one form when we got here for delivery."  I can't imagine why I was so cranky!  Seriously?  I was collapsing to the floor, in so much pain, and having to initial a bunch of consent forms.  I have NO idea what I consented to that morning.  By the way, it was now Saturday, July 16th.  I had only slept one hour since Thursday night.

In the triage, we handed the nurse our birth plan.  She opened my cute file folder and said, "No, I don't need this.  Where's the form from your doctor."  How rude.  She began hooking me up to monitors and checked dilation.  I was at 4cm and 100% effaced.  The nurse then (finally!) quickly moved me into a delivery room.  Another nurse came in to give me my IV.  I told her, “No.  My doctor agreed that we could hydrate with water.”  The nurse put up a big stink.  I asked for a Heparin Lock, and she still didn't like my idea.  Michael explained that in our birth plan, we requested no IV.  When we toured the hospital and spoke with our doctor, everyone agreed that this was fine.  The nurse, in terrible Sign Language finger spelled "N-O."  This lady was pissing me off.  I decided to ignore her and just let my Michael deal with her.  Another nurse said she'd call and ask the doc.  Luckily, our doctor agreed to a Hep Lock for 2 hours.  Whenever the room was free of nurses, Michael snuck me Gatorade, water, and Jelly Belly energy shots (yum!). 

By 8am I had been suffering from 3 hours of pain worse than I could have ever imagined.  I was losing energy and will power.  I told the nurse, "Get the epidural, now."  I tried really hard to do this all natural.  Now, I reached my limit; I could not do this anymore.  I was afraid I'd run out of energy to push, and then I'd have to have a C-section.  Who knew when this kid was coming?  At 9cm, my epidural was administered.  It kicked in right away, and I could feel nothing below my waist.  Then, I was able to get some MUCH needed sleep. 

Around 10:30 am the meds were wearing off and I could feel the contractions slightly.  I was glad to be a part of my baby's delivery again.  The nurse said we can start pushing if we want, or we can wait till Doc gets here.  I asked if the doctor would want to break my water, and the nurse said, "Yes."  So, quite scared of what was about to happen, and not so sure of my answer, I said, "Ok, I... guess... we'll... start... pushing."  Soon after the pushing began, my water broke on its own.  Michael, the nurse, and I all giggled with excitement because we knew that Karis was protected by that bag of waters for a long time.  We also knew that we were going to see her soon.  Soon was right!  Michael got to see the top of her head numerous times.  For about 2 hours I pushed during contractions.  When the doc arrived, things started moving much more quickly. 

I worked hard to push Karis out, screaming, “Ou! Get her out.”   Finally, she was out at 1:39pm.  I was exhausted and delirious.  The room was frantic with a crowd of nurses.  Michael tried to control the whole situation.  I couldn’t believe all the commotion during this joyous occasion in my life.  Nurses tried to take Karis away to clean her and do all her tests.  As Michael was telling them, “No! Put her on her Mommy’s chest.  She needs to nurse.” the doctor immediately clamped Karis’s umbilical cord.  We had told our doctor in advance that we wanted it to pulse for a while.  Too late.  Ugh!  So, Michael tried to ignore what just happened.  Confused, I held Karis, and Michael cut the cord. 

After that, things seemed to calm down quickly.  The lights were turned down low (the way I wanted them during my labor, but who cares what I want), the nurses left the room, and Michael and I finally got to spend some time with our baby.  *Deep Breaths* I’m exhausted from telling the story! 

Lots of people came to visit our sweet girl that afternoon and on Sunday.  She was so perfect and cute!  Karis weighed 7 pounds 13 ounces and she was 20 and ¼ inches long.  We love our precious angel!

Cankles and Weight Gain

This week we had our 38 week appointment.  Not much has changed.  I'm still 1 cm dilated, but now I am 80% effaced.  I was also informed that I do not have Group B Strep.  I was so happy that the doctor didn't mention induction!  I've been trying to walk a lot so that Karis will move down and come all by herself before the due date.  If we go passed the due date, I'm sure her doctor will want to induce (and I will have to put up a fight).
After the appointment, the nurse gave me a copy of my records to take with me to the hospital (in case I go into labor before the next appointment).  When I got to the car, I immediately pulled out the record and scanned the "weight" column.  When I realized that I've gained 40 pounds since our first appointment tears streamed down my face.  This is not what I expected.  How did that happen?  How hard will it be to return to my "pre-baby" weight?  So discouraging. :(
I've also been really down about my "cankles."  This is a term from the TV show "Friends" defined as: The point at which one is so obese that there is no thinning of the leg between the calf and the ankle, which creates a sense of fusion between the two. Consequently "Cankle" comes from the fusion of CAlf and aNKLE. Fortunately, my feet, ankles and calves only started swelling about 2 weeks ago. I've been successful at getting them to shrink by elevating them and applying ice.  However, this last week has been hopeless.  No matter what I do, I still have putty legs (when I press on my leg, it makes a dent like silly putty).  With the weight gain and cankles I feel like I have lost control of my body.  It will be nice to have control over my body again after delivery.

Pictured: My bump at 38 weeks.  Not Pictured: Cankles

At the Doc... Again

At our appointment Tuesday, Doc said she wanted to do an ultrasound.  I questioned the reasoning.  Everything was good right?  No reason for concern?  She agreed, but still wanted to do an ultrasound, because she does one on all of her patients at this point in their pregnancies.  Ok...
I still feel guilty about the ultrasound I requested at 18 weeks to find out the gender.  It wasn't medically necessary, and I should have just waited.  I just want to keep Karis as safe as possible, not exposing her to anything harmful.  I wanted to keep the peace with our doctor, so we agreed to schedule an ultrasound.
This afternoon, Michael arrived just as the nurse, Peaches called me into her room.  I was so glad Karis's daddy could make it!  It was hard to see very much on the monitor during the ultrasound.  Karis is so squished inside my belly!  Peaches informed us that Karis is about 7.5 pounds, give or take half a pound.  I was shocked!  I didn't think she'd be that big already, but Peaches said that's about 50th percentile for this stage in my pregnancy.  So, Karis is normal.  I just hope she doesn't weigh much more for the delivery (I shouldn't keep my hopes up though).  As expected, all other measurements were perfect.  We'll meet her soon... any day.

Here is Karis's 37 week ultrasound picture.  It was hard for the nurse to capture much in one picture, since our daughter is short on space.  If you can make out the image, here is Karis's perfect little head.

37 Week Checkup and Fears

We had our 37 week appointment yesterday.  This was the first time Doc checked my cervix.  The report: 1 cm dilated, 50% effaced.  I wasn't expecting to hear that I started dilating, but I wasn't very alarmed by this either.  I've heard that a woman can be at 1 or 2 cm for a week or two.  The shock came when I asked, "When do you think I might deliver." The doctor confidently said, "I'm thinking maybe next week."  My jaw dropped.  That would be 2 weeks early!  I still have to keep in mind that everyone's different, and Karis could come in one week or four weeks.  Who knows?  However, this was my to-do list.
The exam itself caused a lot of very uncomfortable pressure.  I don't look forward to doing this every week.  (I'm sure the discomfort of the exam is nothing compared to labor and delivery.)  I continued to feel a little pressure for about 24 hours.  The doctor did not warn me that I'd experience this, so I'm guessing it's an IC related thing.  Plus, the baby's head has moved down a little, causing additional pressure.
The thought that I could go into labor next week really freaks me out.  We have been well trained and educated on the whole process, but... still freaked out.  My thoughts change from, "I need more time, maybe I'll feel ready in a month." to "I just want it to be over with." to "I don't want to deliver!  Can't the doctor just put me to sleep, and when I wake up Karis will be there?"