Adventure

Lately, I've been craving adventure.  I guess it's because my physical activity was quite limited for nearly 9 months.  Now, I have to get it out of my system.  "Man Vs. Wild" has also added to this sudden desire for adventure.  Not that I want to camp inside of an igloo or pee in a thermos, but Bear Grylls gets to see some amazing landscapes.

A couple of summers ago, I got to hike in Colorado and Puerto Rico.  That was a wonderful summer!  The scenery in the mountains and the rain forest were unbelievable.  I want to see and experience something new.  Michael and I talked about backpacking Machu Picchu (it was surprisingly my idea), and now I can't get it out of my head.  My sister, Beka did it; so, she can give us some tips.  That trip may not happen within this year, since I'm nursing Karis.  ...but who knows.  Wait and see what adventures lie ahead for the Robersons!

Best Friends Forever

This morning, I stared at Karis on the baby monitor.  She was wiggling and cooing, but not quite awake yet.  So, I just let her rest, but I wanted to go wake her up so bad!  I missed my little girl. 

We’ve spent a lot of time together during the last six weeks.  Some days, other than Michael, Karis is the only person I see.  We have definitely bonded, and she has become my best little buddy.  I love her sooooo much!

When Karis finally opened her eyes, I eagerly went to her side.  “Good morning, Beautiful!”  She looked up at Mommy with her big brown eyes and the most precious smile.

Karis, I need you.

Normally I pick up Karis because she needs me, but this time I NEEDED her.

I nursed Karis at 8pm and put her down to sleep. At 4 am I woke up feeling like there was an anvil on my chest. I jumped out of bed and wanted to run down the hall yelling, "Karis! Time to eat!"  I quietly crept into her room. Thank goodness she was awake. My sweet little girl was lying in her bassinet, eyes wide open and squirming out of her swaddle.

Aprils Pros and Cons to Breastfeeding:
Cons
- It was painful at first (but better now).

- I worry about leaking in public.
- None of my tops fit anymore.
- I can't eat whatever I want.
- Sometimes I'm the only one who can soothe Karis.

Pros
- Sometimes I'm the only one who can soothe Karis.
- Even though I'm not earning money right now, I'm saving our family a lot by not buying formula.
- Less bottle washing.

- For several hours each day, I get Karis (happy and quiet) all to my self.

Missing Identity

School is starting up soon, and I should be attending trainings and getting my students' folders ready. Instead, I'm staring at a crying, hungry baby, thinking, "Who am I?"

I spent four years studying to teach children with hearing impairments. Then, I spent four years doing my dream job. Just when I had a good handle on my career, and people treated me like an expert in my field, my life took a 180.  Now, I have a new job: raising a child, and I don't know what I'm doing.  I haven't trained for this.  I feel like I am standing outside of my body, staring at myself but looking at a stranger.  I really feel lost.  When will I get used to my new role?  Right now, I still feel like my identity is a teacher.  How often have I proudly told people that I teach Deaf children?  Their response, "You know Sign Language?!"  "Yes, I do!"

One day, Michael took Karis to work with him in the morning to give me a break.  I really needed to catch up on some sleep.  However, once Karis was out of the house, I felt purposeless.  Then, I turned on the radio and heard this song.  Even though it made me cry, I felt better because I felt understood...

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Parenthood is Easy

Karis finally fell asleep and I was going to get to take a shower for the first time in days.  As I stepped one foot into the shower, what did I hear?  "Waah!  Waah!"  Karis was fine; she just wanted to be held.  I was SO annoyed.  The second I scooped her up she was silenced.  I held her close to my chest and rocked her for about 3 minutes before she was out again.  It honestly felt really good.  As soon as my baby knew that Mommy had her, she was ok.  She felt safe and secure.  I could have put her back in bed and continued what I was doing.  Instead, I sat on the couch holding my perfect sleeping baby.  I looked at her and thought, "This is when parenthood is easy."

Happy Birthday Karis

I've been wanting to write up Karis's birthday story ever since she was born.  I thought, "I need to hurry and do this before I forget it all."  Trust me; I still remember every detail of those traumatic few days...

On Friday morning (July 15th), around 10:30, I was sitting on the couch being my usual lazy self, watching trashy MTV shows.  I ignored what I thought was "Braxton Hicks Contractions," because I've had them for the past 3 months.  But when I had 3 in one hour, I thought something might be up.  I started timing them.  The contractions were inconsistent and 20 minutes or less apart.  I texted Michael, just to let him know, but I thought for sure they'd space out and we'd meet Karis in a couple more weeks as planned. 

It was so hot outside, and I really wanted to go for a walk.  So, I went to Wal-Mart.  I walked around for about an hour, gripping the shopping cart as my contractions became closer and more intense. 

When I returned home, I decided to time the contractions again.  Now they were a consistent 5-10 minutes apart.  I was still in denial that this was the real deal.  When Michael got home from work we made dinner plans (we had a groupon that was about to expire).  Then, we packed up the car just in case we had to go to the hospital.  During dinner and dessert, my contractions continued to be regular, but I could still walk and talk during them.  We decided to head on home and get some rest.  I probably slept an hour that night.  The contractions got more and more intense.  I kept waking Michael up, "I need you."  He coached me through each one.  Finally, they got so bad that I was crying, couldn't walk, couldn't talk, and I definitely couldn't focus well enough to do the breathing techniques we'd practiced.  I kept asking, "Do we need to go?"  Finally at 4:30 in the morning, Michael very decisively said, "Let's go."  On the ride there, Michael made a few phone calls, and I had to cut some of his calls short.

We arrived at the hospital and had to go through all these dumb procedures.  I was mad, and told the nurse, "I already took care of registration. I was told we'd only have to fill out one form when we got here for delivery."  I can't imagine why I was so cranky!  Seriously?  I was collapsing to the floor, in so much pain, and having to initial a bunch of consent forms.  I have NO idea what I consented to that morning.  By the way, it was now Saturday, July 16th.  I had only slept one hour since Thursday night.

In the triage, we handed the nurse our birth plan.  She opened my cute file folder and said, "No, I don't need this.  Where's the form from your doctor."  How rude.  She began hooking me up to monitors and checked dilation.  I was at 4cm and 100% effaced.  The nurse then (finally!) quickly moved me into a delivery room.  Another nurse came in to give me my IV.  I told her, “No.  My doctor agreed that we could hydrate with water.”  The nurse put up a big stink.  I asked for a Heparin Lock, and she still didn't like my idea.  Michael explained that in our birth plan, we requested no IV.  When we toured the hospital and spoke with our doctor, everyone agreed that this was fine.  The nurse, in terrible Sign Language finger spelled "N-O."  This lady was pissing me off.  I decided to ignore her and just let my Michael deal with her.  Another nurse said she'd call and ask the doc.  Luckily, our doctor agreed to a Hep Lock for 2 hours.  Whenever the room was free of nurses, Michael snuck me Gatorade, water, and Jelly Belly energy shots (yum!). 

By 8am I had been suffering from 3 hours of pain worse than I could have ever imagined.  I was losing energy and will power.  I told the nurse, "Get the epidural, now."  I tried really hard to do this all natural.  Now, I reached my limit; I could not do this anymore.  I was afraid I'd run out of energy to push, and then I'd have to have a C-section.  Who knew when this kid was coming?  At 9cm, my epidural was administered.  It kicked in right away, and I could feel nothing below my waist.  Then, I was able to get some MUCH needed sleep. 

Around 10:30 am the meds were wearing off and I could feel the contractions slightly.  I was glad to be a part of my baby's delivery again.  The nurse said we can start pushing if we want, or we can wait till Doc gets here.  I asked if the doctor would want to break my water, and the nurse said, "Yes."  So, quite scared of what was about to happen, and not so sure of my answer, I said, "Ok, I... guess... we'll... start... pushing."  Soon after the pushing began, my water broke on its own.  Michael, the nurse, and I all giggled with excitement because we knew that Karis was protected by that bag of waters for a long time.  We also knew that we were going to see her soon.  Soon was right!  Michael got to see the top of her head numerous times.  For about 2 hours I pushed during contractions.  When the doc arrived, things started moving much more quickly. 

I worked hard to push Karis out, screaming, “Ou! Get her out.”   Finally, she was out at 1:39pm.  I was exhausted and delirious.  The room was frantic with a crowd of nurses.  Michael tried to control the whole situation.  I couldn’t believe all the commotion during this joyous occasion in my life.  Nurses tried to take Karis away to clean her and do all her tests.  As Michael was telling them, “No! Put her on her Mommy’s chest.  She needs to nurse.” the doctor immediately clamped Karis’s umbilical cord.  We had told our doctor in advance that we wanted it to pulse for a while.  Too late.  Ugh!  So, Michael tried to ignore what just happened.  Confused, I held Karis, and Michael cut the cord. 

After that, things seemed to calm down quickly.  The lights were turned down low (the way I wanted them during my labor, but who cares what I want), the nurses left the room, and Michael and I finally got to spend some time with our baby.  *Deep Breaths* I’m exhausted from telling the story! 

Lots of people came to visit our sweet girl that afternoon and on Sunday.  She was so perfect and cute!  Karis weighed 7 pounds 13 ounces and she was 20 and ¼ inches long.  We love our precious angel!