Missing Identity

School is starting up soon, and I should be attending trainings and getting my students' folders ready. Instead, I'm staring at a crying, hungry baby, thinking, "Who am I?"

I spent four years studying to teach children with hearing impairments. Then, I spent four years doing my dream job. Just when I had a good handle on my career, and people treated me like an expert in my field, my life took a 180.  Now, I have a new job: raising a child, and I don't know what I'm doing.  I haven't trained for this.  I feel like I am standing outside of my body, staring at myself but looking at a stranger.  I really feel lost.  When will I get used to my new role?  Right now, I still feel like my identity is a teacher.  How often have I proudly told people that I teach Deaf children?  Their response, "You know Sign Language?!"  "Yes, I do!"

One day, Michael took Karis to work with him in the morning to give me a break.  I really needed to catch up on some sleep.  However, once Karis was out of the house, I felt purposeless.  Then, I turned on the radio and heard this song.  Even though it made me cry, I felt better because I felt understood...

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.